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I confess that my faith has been reduced to going through the motions. Go to church on Sunday. Smile. Lift hands. Sing. Smile. Say goodbye.
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I confess that I pray about five minutes a week.
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I confess that when I look at the kids in the youth group, at how emotionally they worship, at how emotionally they express their devotion to God, at how emotionally they seek God’s will, I inwardly smile. For I confess that I think them naive, idealistic, and that their religious enthusiasm is just a stage in life. It’ll pass.
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I confess that even though I say there is no higher calling than the pastorate/ministry vocation, I inwardly hope my children go to Yale Law School, and not Gordon-Conwell Seminary. I will feel affirmed if they become doctors and lawyers; I will feel disappointment if they attend seminary.
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I confess that I do not like watching body worship.
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I confess that I look down on youth pastors. I think of them as academic failures, people unable to get real jobs in the real world. Mostly, I think of them as glorified baby-sitters. They also make very easy targets, and I blame them for all the shortcomings of my children. Somebody has to take the blame, and it sure ain’t gonna be me.
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I confess that I was inwardly shattered when word first came out that the Virginia Tech killer was Asian American; and that shame quickly turned to relief when it was disclosed that the killer was Korean American.
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I confess I prefer to have a white pastor leading the ABC congregation. Blond hair and blue eyes just looks more spiritual. I confess that I find myself always sizing up an Asian American pastor, and feeling like he’s never making the grade. Feeling like he’d never succeed in the corporate/financial/legal/medical/real world.
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I confess that I find the typical AA yuppie Christian (in his 20s, single, career-minded and successful, materialistic) unbearable in his spiritual haughtiness.
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I confess that the church is blind to the rampant sex that goes on under the mask of churchly decency and decorum. It is the unacknowledged and unacknowledgeable swampland beneath the church brochure of tidy scenery. Only a few are brave enough to confront and address it; the rest of us put on petty and hypocritical masks of naïve innocence.
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I confess that while I am all for racial harmony (yay for the “multiethnic” church!), my child will marry an African American over my dead body.
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I confess that I feel like a peon in the (white) working world. And that’s why I jockey for position in the Asian church, where it is an even playing field. Where I can gain a modicum of power and (self-)respect. I will give lip-service to the concept of servant-leadership, of course.
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I confess that I do not like most Christians. I find them boring, narrow-minded, petty, judgmental. That if I crash-landed on a deserted island for a year, I’d prefer being with the cast of Lost than the members of my congregation.
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I confess that I am a hypocrite. I confess that I sometimes think this Christianity thing is all a sham, and I want to throw my arms up and just yell to hell with it all!
the cutting truth 
3 Comments
Wow. What a confession. It’s interesting to read your blog since I have many AA friends and, now, an AA daughter.
As a White person (Caucasian, whatever) I find it sad that someone Asian would prefer a White pastor. Particularly since – for me – A Cuban-American was the greatest Christian influence on my life, and still is, by far (besides, of course, the Lord). I frequently ask my children what they see in their mind when they think of God the Father. I ask them to consider Him as a Black man, or an Asian man, or a Persian man, because I do not want them *ever* to equate God or Godliness with being White. We have no portraits of Jesus in our house, but I don’t buy or show movies for our kids that have Jesus portrayed as a White man – because He wasn’t a White man.
Some Christians might not agree with the position that Answers In Genesis takes – that the Biblical story of the creation of the Earth is true, that it was created in six days and is a so-called “Young Earth”, however they do have an excellent DVD about race that I think all Christians should watch. The genetic information that represents the differences between the races is absolutely minuscule. The original man was probably some brown color, probably looked like a Middle-Eastern person and all the other colors are just a variant of this original.
A lot of the things you have on your list, I used to have on mine. One of the biggest reasons was due to isolation. Going through the motions, seeing Christians as jerks, feeling like or being a hypocrite, being judgmental and so forth is common for those that isolate. Becoming involved in a community group, Bible study, men’s group, some kind of regular, small-group gathering of believers is absolutely essential. You simply cannot get the fellowship, accountability, friendship and support without doing this. My wife and I are in a small group called a “community group” which is a small group of believers that meet twice monthly in each others homes (which I think your church calls a “fellowship group”) and we also attend a program at our church called “Re-Engage” for married people to improve their marriage. Each time we all meet corporately for 15 minutes to sing and hear one couple tell the story of their marriage, which is always a story of how bad things were and how God has restored their relationship, as this is the theme of the group. It is very real, very authentic, no fake crap. Then we break into small groups (4-5 couples each) that meet for 12-14 weeks, once a week. Here we are able to share intimately, get support, accountability, friendship in an environment that is safe and nurturing. Confidentiality is of the utmost importance, so that all can share without fear of gossiping or revealing secrets outside the group. If your church doesn’t offer these kinds of things, either work with your leadership to get these things started, or look for another church that does offer these kinds of things.
Based upon your list, I am guessing (forgive me if I’m wrong) that you are isolated, feeling distant from God and from the body of believers. As I said, I once was like this and it almost destroyed me. I encourage you to get involved somehow. Join a Bible study, a small group, whatever men’s meeting/breakfast your church offers. You state that you are a long-time youth worker, perhaps it would be a good idea to take a break from that, do something else for a while? Volunteer somewhere else at your church, teaching adults (rather than children), seating people, doing something in the arts program of your church (plays, singing, music), even seating people, working the coffee table, something. The way to help yourself with many of the things on your list is, stop isolating, start building relationships with others that offer support, accountability, prayer, etc… I promise you, it will help dramatically, it did for me and it has for many people I know that had many of these problems. Please forgive me if I sound preachy, or holier-than-thou, that is not my intention I assure you. I don’t have it figured out, quite the opposite. I’m a sinner too. If I’m wrong, and you aren’t isolated, then forgive my ignorance… I’m just trying to help and was moved by what you wrote.
Thanks for being so honest and open. It’s that kind of honesty and authenticity that brings people together, that casts out fear, lies, hypocrisy, and so forth. If more people in the body of Christ exhibited that kind of authenticity there would be such closeness and power between believers. We’re all sinners, we’re all total wrecks, we’re all stumbling along trying to figure it all out. Being honest and real and confessing as you have takes courage, and is the first step to healing and a closer relationship with God. As I said, what you wrote really moved me and has spurred me on to keep resisting my urge to isolate myself. I’m reading a book right now called “Don’t Waste Your Life” by John Piper about avoiding isolation and focusing your passion on Godly things – you might enjoy it. Take a look at it on Amazon if you get the chance.
Thank you, brother/sister (don’t know which) for your blog. We differ on politics – I don’t get liberals either 😉 but we agree on Christ and your honesty and consistent soul-searching attitude is admirable.
God bless,
Michael
The only thing you should have confessed is that you are not Christian.
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[…] mine sent me a link to another blog post that just about floored me! It’s from a blog titled the cutting truth and the post represents the top 15 confessions of Asian-American Christians. Rather than excerpt, I […]